I blame the parents

I blame the parents

Last night as I watched The Voice I became enraged as we were introduced to a young man with Tourette Syndrome. I became so cross I have decided to blog about it. This young man told of how he was bullied in school. This is when I really saw red!

Is it 2013? Are we supporting our children to embrace difference or are we laughing and sniggering at those who are different? Why in this day and age is bullying still so rife?

I work as a psychotherapist and each and every day in my practice I come across stories of bullying. It makes my blood boil. I 100% blame the parents. Yes, that’s right you heard me I blame you for allowing this to continue. We all know it’s wrong so why is it still happening?

Bullying behavior is seemingly happening all over the world in every school in every city and town across the world.

Why can’t parents sit their children down and tell them bullying is not acceptable?

Why can’t parents tell their kids it is not acceptable to be on the receiving end of bullying or to be a bully?  Do we really need others to tell us this? I don’t think so but just in case I’m telling you to sit your kids down and tell them all about it.

Please join me in this and spend five minutes with all of your children and tell them in no uncertain terms that bullying is an act of cowardice. Tell them that bullying is not smart, clever or funny but that it is despicable and dreadful. Tell them that it hurts people and that some people cannot bear to continue living as a result of being on the receiving end of it. Let’s stamp it out. Let’s be sure that we are not passive in this and that we are active in our parenting.

Let’s STOP bullying and let’s do it NOW.

Blossom's Big ideas On Life

Blossom’s Big Ideas On Life

In 2012 when Blossom was 7 years old and homeschooled she in her mirroring of me said, “Mummy if you can write a book so can I”! We explored the concept of writing a book and we’ve now completed this process. Yay! We still have the edit to undertake but nonetheless we have done it! Next stage is getting it published!

We worked on the chapters that Blossom developed and have created a book all about life from a 7 year olds perspective. Blossom chose all the chapter titles and I ‘interviewed’ Blossom in order for her to give me her thoughts about subjects like war, the government, bullying, friendships, difference, deafness, parenting *hangs head in shame* (as my nag-bagging is mentioned), the amazing world of street dance, life and death and more.

Once I had all of her thoughts recorded I set about putting them down. We completed this as a way of exploring life through the lens of a 7 year old and we wanted to explore Blossom’s thoughts about some HUGE subjects.

Here’s a little extract from her adorable little book.

If you’re a kid or a grown up you may well be interested in my big ideas on life. These views are my own. I have thought about all of the subjects in this book and I think we all should. My views will have been influenced by my life experiences, the way in which I have been parented and the things I pick up along the way. I learn from my mum and dad, reading, talking to others and from the television, (also known in our house as the idiots lantern)! A phrase my mum heard a few years ago. We call it the idiots lantern as from time to time, we all (yes all of us) get sucked into watching the television. It’s like the television transforms itself into a giant Dyson and captures our imaginations! My mum says maybe we should think more about people and the world in which we live and not staring for hours on end at repeat episodes of Tracy Beaker.

Blossom was a Bollywood dancer for 3 years. She came first in the local championships!

Thank you to all of the children who have contributed their thoughts and their amazing drawings for Blossom’s Big Ideas On Life. We very much appreciate all of your efforts.  

The importance of being seen

The importance of being seen

From the moment a baby is born, it has an innate drive to be held, contained, heard and wholly observed, this for me encapsulates the concept of being ‘seen’.

Being seen helps you to connect with your baby and supports your baby to connect with you.  Being seen will also help in your understanding of your baby. If you observe carefully you will begin to recognise YOUR baby’s non-verbal signs and signal, cues and clues. After a while you will begin to see a pattern to your baby’s expressions and you will be able to comprehend these expressions to understand what is being experienced or what is desired.

Observation to this degree is available to most of us and it is this simple idea that will support you to understand more about your baby’s wants, needs, desires and feels.

In addressing your baby’s non-verbal cues and clues you will be given so much information. How often have you looked at your baby and asked, “What is it sweetie? Why are you crying? Are you hungry? Are you ready for a nap? Does your nappy/diaper need changing? You may well go through a number of possibilities before you actually get to the bottom of what is ‘wrong’.

Babies often display cues and clues that will help you decipher what is ‘wrong’. Is the skin beneath their eyebrows darker? This may well indicate tiredness. Is your baby poking its tongue in and out? If so, what is it they looking for? Is it milk? If your baby is wriggling and shuffling, are they telling you they are uncomfortable in their nappy?

Keep your eyes open and ‘listen’ on a multi-sensory basis. You will be amazed by what your baby is telling you and often times they will tell you way before they reach the crying stage.

Happy observing!

Vivien Sabel UKCP MBACP ScPTI

Author of The Blossom Method™ The Revolutionary Way To Communicate With Your Baby From Birth

Relational Psychotherapist/Clinical Supervisor/Researcher

http://www.viviensabel.com

http://viviensabel68.blogspot.com

http://twitter.com/viviensabel

A review The Blossom Method

The Blossom Method™ - The Revolutionary Way to Communicate With Your Baby from Birth

By Vivien Sabel

ISBN: 9780091947538

Published on June 7 2012 by: Vermillion               RRP: £7.99

Vivien Sabel is a registered Psychotherapist. Her first book The Blossom Method™ - The Revolutionary Way To Communicate With Your Baby From Birth describes the communication method she has developed. For more information about The Blossom Method™ go to www.viviensabel.com

Review by Sharon Trotter (Midwife and founder of TIPS Ltd)

The Blossom Method™ will become an international bestseller!

I have never made such a prediction about any book before but then this is no ordinary book. Its message is simple enough: observe, mirror and respond to your baby's non-verbal clues and you can learn to better understand their language.

Vivien Sabel was the third and last child of a non-signing deaf mother (an inspiration in her own right). This taught Vivien to recognise the subtleties of non-verbal communication instinctively. Vivien used these skills to communicate with her baby daughter Blossom who was born in 2004. Vivien went on to research this very topic for many years, observing many newborns' ways of communicating: tongue-talking, body-talk, eye gaze and simple signing.  When Vivien tried to discuss her findings with other new parents she was surprised to find out that they were not already using this simple system of communication to ‘talk’ to their babies. So she decided to share her tips with us all in a book. Professionals and parents were quick to praise Vivien’s book and after dozens of enthusiastic reviews from many parenting experts around the world a publishing deal soon followed (you can follow Vivien’s inspirational journey to publication in our latest ‘My Story’ feature).

Named after her daughter, The Blossom Method™ will help everyone to better understand baby language. Once you understand a baby, you can quickly learn to speak back and respond to their needs before they become distressed. What Vivien describes is so simple and so obvious that you may wonder why we have not heard about this before. In fact, this is nothing new. Babies have been ‘talking’ to us since time began but maybe we have lost the ability to fully tune into their language, especially in the fast-paced world we live in. The Blossom Method™ will help us all re-learn our babies' non-verbal signs. This is sure to greatly reduce stress for all parents!

A few years ago I was asked to review the Dunstan Baby Language DVD (www.dunstanbaby.com ). The concept is similar to The Blossom Method™ but the Dunstan Baby Language lists five common baby sounds as the basis of a communication system. The Blossom Method™ identifies many more communication clues for parents, including baby talk, leg kicking and even the smell of baby’s breath. Understanding and responding to these clues can greatly increase the bond with your baby who in turn will feel more secure and self-confident.

The Blossom Method™ clearly explains how to observe, mirror and respond to your baby. It also provides various testimonials from parents who have used The Blossom Method™ to deal with a number of parenting issues like constipation, early signs of illness and early potty training.

Where this book proves to be a real gem is in its relaxed tone and non-judgemental advice. Anyone who reads this book can become a better parent or carer – you can’t say fairer than that!

I am so impressed with The Blossom Method™ that I have decided to award it a TIPS Must-have

The Blossom Method™ - A Review by Roxana Rudzik-Shaw

Book Review: "The Blossom MethodTM. Vivien Sabel writes from the heart in her baby-centred book, The Blossom Method™. Typically parents-to-be or new parents, as well as primary caregivers, devote much of their time attending to babies and young children, providing them with various experiences facilitating the development of their babies' senses, teaching them about the world and how to acquire new skills to aid their personal development, including personalities or identities.

However, whilst babies are not born with linguistic communication capabilities or coherent paralinguistic and non-verbal mediums of communication that would be recognised by the majority of adults, we may at times overlook babies' eagerness to communicate with us in their own way. The question we as adults need to consider is whether we are able to communicate effectively with babies? And if so, are we ready to accept that we need to learn about the new born individual from their unique perspective?
We are aware of the two-way process of communication whereby 'the message' is sent to an intended recipient and if it is heard and understood, the recipient strives to convey their understanding of this message back to the sender. This not only applies to young people and adults, but to newborns also. Babies are keen to be 'heard' and understood, otherwise they may begin to feel distressed and frustrated as may be the case for the majority adults.

On reading The Blossom Method™, it is very clear from Vivien's personal experiences as a mother and the experiences of her research participants, that each baby wishes to communicate with us in their unique way as well as being attended to, such as having their primary needs met and feeling safe, cared for and loved. The Blossom Method™ embraces this idea, educating us about the importance of non-verbal communication with babies, whilst also offering a simplistic and practical model of Observe-Mirror-Respond in which to use as a basis of being able to communicate more effectively with your baby, understanding your baby's needs and desires through their non-verbal behaviour and to more clearly understand what your baby is trying to communicate to you.
In The Blossom Method™ Vivien offers this three step model as an invitation to try to explore with your own baby with the aim being to connect with our babies, build a great foundation for a two-way relationship to flourish. This invitation is refreshing and unlike many 'How To' books I have come across that claim to have all the answers, and unfortunately, in doing so these books seem to put a lot of pressure on parents-to-be and new parents.

By comparison, Vivien's compassion and warmth shine through in The Blossom Method™. I would most definitely recommend this book to any expectant and new parents, as well as adults in the helping professions. I would also offer The Blossom Method™ as a resource to some of the clients I encounter whom at times struggle to be ‘perfect’ as parents or caregivers. I believe The Blossom Method™ would encourage more exploration and confidence-building in striving to be the best one can be." 

Roxana Rudzik-Shaw (MSc (Dist.), BSc (dual hons), MBACP, MBPsS, ACTO, TESOL, ACTDEC) Professional Counselling, Supervision, Training, Research and Support Services
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